I had a random rap attack

This was alot longer and kept going through my head, so I started typing when I got to the computer. Here it is.

My mind is racing and I'm just trying to get a grip,

everything is moving, I feel like I'm starting to slip

I've got so many thoughts and none of them are sounded funny

Everyone's staring, "just look at him honey 

Isnt he silly hes just trying to get by

and yet there he is, looking like hes about to cry"

I am just so high

but it aint off of no damn drug

its this stupid life, it is starting to be no much fun

I wanna just start to run,

but I can't go anywhere

Leave tonight and keep going

packen extra underwear

Gonna go and when I get there

figure out where I am at

and see if anyone really cares

See if I'm attacked

See if anyone notices

I notice that I'm not too far

still in my car

I've only gotten to the park.

But thats a start

maybe next time I'll get a little further

I gotta calm down before somebody gets hurt.

I have alot more to say, so I'm just going to continue. Today, I learned they're going to have to put me on the minimun plan so I can graduate. This was a huge blow to my ego, though it didn't hit me till a bit later. Everyone came over and we had a great time, but for some reason theirs two other things on my mind that I just really need someone to talk to about and yet I can't. I don't know why. It's not out of shame nor spight, just bad circumstances. And I hate it.

One of them has been eating at me for only part of the day, and even though it's not so much a big deal, it's destroying me. Its going to be the end of me, and I want it to stop. I want everything to stop, just for me. Like I'm important enough to make everyone give up what they're doing and pay attention to the poor kid who can't make up his mind on how he wants to live his life.

The other has just had me in shock since the weekend, I don't know what to do. Its caused me so much.... almost shame, but not really. Like its a reality check that, everything I know isn't always going to be there. The fact that the Tulleys came over (the ones who introduced me to Audrey) and stayed the weekend did not help to curb these thoughts. I tried to drown them out so hard I did nothing but play SF4 all day. Normally this is normal, but I just sort of lost it. I only realized later just what I had been doing. I feel like, once again, I'm trying to force myself to have problems. In one of the Thursday novels, the minor characters always feel happy, and the only way they get another feeling is by kidnapping bystandards to marry them and kill them, so that they can feel happiness then sadness, respectively. I feel like thats me on a lesser scale.

This is the first year since 8th grade I havent dealt with a breakup right before summer. I like that, and yet, I have that exact same feeling I've had the bast 5 years. A huge loss. I hate this feeling. It's the reason I hate summer. It's the reason I give up a good 45+$ every year towards Blizzard to lose myself. It's the reason I get paler around summer rather then tanner. Its the reason for alot of other things, and it should be gone right now, but its not. I have good friends who actually care about me, a good life with a good future and a home that people around the world would, quite literally, kill for. But this feeling just irks me.... it may be whats causing this mental breakdown.

I feel mentally unstable. Maybe it's the 3 energy drinks I've drank today (not to mention the coffee I drank) making my insides and brain squirm, but I've been ready to blow all day. Today when I was driving with Kyle and Grace, I had to try so hard not to blare the horn and yell my lungs out that I got dizzy. I didn't tell either of them that. Probably for the better. I don't want highschool to end. Kyle will be gone. There goes a good amount of my entertainment. Taylor will have a job. As much as I love my friends, I can't wait till I stay with my aunt for 2 weeks. I mean no offense towards anyone, but I'm a bit ready for change. This is a huge deal for someone who didn't want to move from their old house because he had alot of memories there. I need change. 

Onto friends. I'm going to miss you guys. This was a fun year, if only for them. I cant imagine being one of those kids walking around during lunch of school functions, looking for someone who might tollerate their presence. I can't imagine going through Senior year with out any friends. It seems like such a waste. I know they say these are your golden years, but I'm going to prove them wrong. 10 years for now, I hope to be atleast somewhat succesful. I'd like to atleast fly in my friends once a year for a good week bash or something. I know I've said that I keep having dreams about my future, and that seems to be one of them. All of us in a penthouse just blaring the radio, playing games, talking, what we do now but more luxorious. And even a few inclusions. More people as crazy as us.

I keep thinking about my kids. I don't know why. It's always been a fascinating thought for me. What will they be like? In one of my stories, I tried to match as much of it with my life as I could while keeping it in bounds. One of the things I put in, though, was a boy and a two year younger and or twin girl. And that's something I've had in my mind for years, though I'm not sure why. The boy seems to just be what I am to my mother, but to me. And alot more bad ass. The girl seems to be like..... well, lets just say shes strong headed, but still acts a girl. I could tell you stories of things that they do both together and on their own. And then I realize, these are my future kid's lifes I'm planning out. Maybe I should just make this it's own story, and yet it seems like it would go nowhere. Just like life.

My writing has been..... weird, lately. This is the most I've written in awhile. I still make my stories, like I've done for the past 5 years, but the fact that I'm too lazy to write it all out kind of annoys me. I keep telling myself it'll get better once school ends. Maybe it will. I hope so. I want to, by the end of the year, atleast have attempted to publish something. Anything. So wish me luck.

I think I'm done ranting. I'm trying to think of what else to talk about, but I think I've hit everything. This is mainly for myself then anything else. I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head. I'm tired.....