Dissapointment and expectations.

So today, I did not get my license, but hopefully tomorrow will be the day. I'm wondering if I'll even get it before my birthday. I needed it to pick up Jon and Jannie so we could bake our cake. So while I was stressing, trying to figure out how not to get a zero on an easy test grade, it all eventually fell in to place and we got it done (but not before my dad decided to mess with me and tell me he ate the cake)

Afterwards, I cleaned up and got ready for bed. But something happened today as I took my shower. My parents were talking. Not about my grades, not about me at all actually. Not even about work or anything closely related to finances. This is something I have hardly ever seen happen between my parents. Usually its always 'official' talk. But today, they talked about my dad's racketball tournament, about my family, about my mom's work. They just exchanged stories and laughs.

Now, while to some that may seem normal, my parents either always talk about me, or fight, or both. Not fun. I've had an ungoing thought that after I turned 18, my parents would split. Not a great thought to think that you are the timer on whats left of your parent's love. But there they were. Probably for the first time since I was either a baby, or before I was born.

Hugs own

I think this is a universal feeling.

Sadness

I've noticed recently, I haven't been really sad in a long time. I'll get small bouts of feeling down, or even not myself, but never really sad. Not like "my life sucks" kind of sad. I've almost gone a year with out that. And while I would love to say how great that is, my impulse to complain just started kicking in. And I'm dying for a good cry right now.

You can call my gay for that last sentence. Call me anything you like. I wont say "I don't care", but it sure as hell doesn't mean I'm going to change it, or the way I'm thinking. I'm still dying for a good cry.

I think I've so highly absolved my life as the biggest drama to reach earth, that not having any in awhile is a mind fuck. For awhile, I've had this delusion of grandeur that every part of me is interesting, just nobody notices it. When in actually it probably is the exact opposite, and with no relationship problems to back up said claims, my mind is has to reach the very real conclusion that my life is boring. But I don't think I'm the only one. I've talked about this with another on multiple occasions(you know who you are ;]) and everyone seems to have their own oppinions that everything in their life is 'just so complicated'. (That last implication was part of my attempt to not name names.) Everyone likes to think that their problems are much bigger then everyone else's. And I'm probably one of the biggest victims of that.

So now, here I am, realtionship problem free, attempting to make myself HAVE relationship problems on a daily basis (though I keep it hidden, ironically. What am I playing at?!) complaining that I'm not sad. What is wrong with me?!

Now I'm ranting. And now I'm complaining about ranting. I sure do love to bitch and moan..... ok, this is off topic. So new topic time.


Today, I learned the hard way (again) that I may just be lactose intollerent. Drank two glasses of milk. And now the rest of my day has sucked. Sort of. I don't want to say it sucked, because it was actually awesome. Got the next Thursday Next book, so thats always an up. And our food is restocked. Awesome. But the constant.... 'gas expulsion' and the destroying of a poor public bathroom was not exactly part of the highlights.

I had more to talk about, but I don't want to, so NYAH!

Goodnight!

Fucken' short term memory....

I just wrote (and sang) these songs about 20min ago, but now reading them, I can't remember how I sang them.... so now they're just words..... /cry

Edit: The first one is a generic sappy love song. The second, my mind sort of bled out onto the paper. You can make fun of me now.


And Yet!
Here and now that I know that I wanna be free from you(ooouuu)
Yet the thought of you gone, I just can not let it be true(uuueee)

And yet, I dont know how to tell you this,
when I'm with you, I am in eternal bliss....

AND YET!
Here I am.... ranting about my problems (AND YET!)
Here I am... writing another sonnet.
For you!


Vacation Fall
Words flowing as if they were destiny
but I don't know how to stop them flowing, so well
I can't seem to get this right
but I'll keep on thinking, I'll keep on writing

My procastinations amazing(iiiing)
My laziness exceeds ALL i expect.
I don't understand why I'm not getting work do(ooo)ne
I don't understand why I have to have fun

And we are coming to a close. Right?

So here we are, on the last day. I purposely took yesterday off. Kind of wanted this one to be memorable. But it will be, if only for the reasoning that it wont be what I want it to be.
I had planned on making this last and final post alot more exciting, alot more revealing, and, well..... that last part I can't say. Because theirs alot that I wanted to happen between then and now, and none of it seems to have. Which is dissapointing, to say the least.

I'll continue to write here, but I think I'm going to take a week off. And I wont pull a 'webcomic artist' and only update when I feel like it. I'm taking a week off, then back to the daily updates. More for my benefit then anyone else's. They say it's healthy to keep a diary, and well, here's mine.

Dear Diary.

Today's mood: Retrospective.

So..... ok, fuck that lay out.

I'd rather not get made fun of for having one time calling this my 'diary', because diarys are mostly about talking about your day and how it made you feel. Which I try and stay away from for the most part. Even though I do it every fucken' time.... *sigh* I think my point there was, we've all used this as a 'diary' for the last 30 days, so yeah.... don't know where I'm going with this

*twiddles thumbs*

oh right, no one cares.

I've been kind of harsh on people recently. I've mentally retreated myself, and lashed out at select few. That's unhealthy. And being an asshole. This whole 'be a better person' thing I set out to do in february is turning out to be alot harder then I thought. Sure, forgive everyone that wronged you was easy, but continuing to have a friendship with them was not. Also, being nice to everybody has to literally mean EVERYONE. Also, my faith has seemed to DIE more then it has gained, which I find incredibly depressing. And that was my main drive. Was to be a better person and hopefully, gain a stronger (if existant) faith again. But that hasn't gone over too well.

Goodbye, old friend....

Finishing a book is alot like losing a good friend or two. When it's all said and done, these characters (or character) that you have spent so much time and effort getting to know, they just vanish. Sure, you may know a little of what happens to them afterward, but it's alot like a friend calling you up 10 years after you graduate and telling you they're married, they have kids and that they're happy. Sure, thats great to know, but you want to have been there. They were a part of your life, and now they're a part of your memory. It's sad, really.

I think a good way to end a story is to completely leave the 'real ending' up to the reader. That way they can continue their adventures in their minds, and either give the ending they want, or continue the story for years to come. That sounds awesome....

Today was.... an adventure. To say the least.

I've noticed a trend in that, I try to stay as much out of the real world as possible, and as much in fantasy and made up stories. I know who I am, and I can define what's real and what's not, but what is real is just so boring to me. I love being lost in a book, emersed in a song, captivated by a game. It's so much better, yet I know its not healthy. I'm no better with books and music now then I was with World of Warcraft freshman year. In the real world, I've tried (and done a good job, in my opinion) of being less offensive to people, trying less and less of being a hassle and more and more of being compliant. The only person that I seem to still lash out at is Kris, but I'll try and improve there.

Nope

Just posting to get a post in. Too much to talk about, none of it I wanna type.